Desperate To Ski

I can leave on Sunday 4th March and want a good last minute deal but can't seem to find anything – any ideas?

This is the prologue for my story. I feel its a alright but needs more detail. If somebody can, can you please put more detail into the warehouse.

Prologue
Spanish Louie closed the door shut of the Dodge Caravan. He looked up and down the Brooklyn Army Terminal to look out for anything suspicious as he made his way into the nearly empty warehouse. This was nothing new. He done this over several dozen times since his promotion to Crew Chief. Though he was tired, driving from the Bronx to Brooklyn, he got on his business.

Inside the warehouse was a brown skinned man with sunken in eyes, clearly from over working and going hours without sleeping, smoking a cigarette. Spanish Louie knew well, he worked the docks, and his name was Parnell.

"Everything here Parnell?" Spanish Louie asked, checking the time on his watch.

"Yeah like always," Parnell said and nodded towards the back of the warehouse. Parnell looked nervous or uneasy but paid it no mind and went to the back followed by his two closest friends Mikey and Jose. He made his way around the warehouse to the back where the stuff was usually at. After riffling through the crates he found what he was looking for.

500 kilograms of snow white cocaine in cellophane packaging. Spanish Louie looked at his two comrades and they began filling the big garbage bags with the drugs. Louie tossed them brick after brick after brick until the box was empty.

Louie put the crates back atop of the "cocaine" compartment and made his way through the warehouse back to his car.

Spanish Louie walked up to Parnell. "Aright man. Here." Louie dug inside his pocket and pulled out a thick wad of money and peeled off ,500 dollars then handed it Parnell. Parnell pocketed the money and nodded his salt and pepper head at the young boy in front of him.

"Yo Louie them motherfukers left something for you in the back. I think you might need these two to lift the sht." he hunched up his shoulders with a sly grin on his face. "My bad man sht slipped my mind young blood." Louie knew he was talking about the Nicaraguans who delivered the drugs to the terminal every month. But this sounded funny to him. Only thing he had asked the Nicarguans was for four M-16's and they said they would see what they would do. They had his number and he ain't get a call from them since last month. Oh well, he thought as he nodded for Mikey and Jose to follow who dragged behind him with the kilos still in the bags with a disciplined silence.

Louie got to the room and it was pitch black. He pulled the string of the ceiling light and the room was suddenly bright. He looked but there was nothing, the room was empty. Then all of a sudden he felt something cold brush up against his temple. Lou quickly looked to his right and saw a ski-masked man with his hand on a chrome, shiny .45 pistol. Suddenly two other ski-masked men emerged, one with a pistol and another with a uzi. The two ski-masked men held Mikey and Jose at bay with their guns to their back.

Lou stayed quiet as they instructed him not to move while they frisked him. The lead gunman relieved Louie of a .9mm pistol and his roll of 0 bills. Louie thought the voice sounded familiar and tried to place it.

"I aint do nothing man!" cried Mikey, who looked petrified. "I'm not involved in this shiit mayne. Please i'll do anything. Please I got a baby girl on the way."

The masked gunman holding Mikey hit him in the head with his pistol and proceeded to beat him badly. "Didn't I tell you don't say a mother…fuckin…thing nigga!" The gunman said as he beat Mikey brutally while Lou watched and his blood boiling. The kid was just sixteen years old trying to make a quick thousand dollars to buy his girlfriend a dress for her birthday. Though he wanted to try and attack the men he kept his composure as he tried to recognize a voice or a mark on one of the gunmen's face through the slots in their ski-masks.

Mikey lay on the floor holding his face which was barely recognizeable with all the blood coming from it.

"Where the drugs at Louie?" The lead gunman asked him.

Parnell.

That's when it hit Louie. Parnell had set him up. The nervousness and how he couldn't look Louie in his face. If he got out of this alive he was going to kill that motherfucker Parnell.

Louie knew they knew about the drugs and nodded to the garbage bags that lay next to Mikey on the floor. The lead gunman nodded to the gunman that beat Mikey to check the bags.

He rifled through the bag and dug inside. His leather gloved hand held up a brick of cocaine. "Jackpot baby!" The lead gunman told Louie to line up on the wall. Mikey was picked up by the gunman and pushed into the wall as well as Jose who maintained a scared silence. Before Louie knew it he heard guns cocking and seconds later the gunmen riddled them with bullets. Sparks from the guns lit the room up even more. After two minutes which seemed like hours the gunmen checked

Flight to the South Pole

1 Thanksgiving Day, November 28th, brought what we wanted. At noon, the Geological Party radioed a final weather report: "Unchanged. Perfect visibility. No clouds anywhere." Harrison finished with his balloon runs, Haines with his weather charts. The sky was still somewhat overcast, and the surface wind from the east southeast. Haines came into the library, his face grave. Together, we went out for a walk and a last look at the weather. What he said exactly I have forgotten, but it was in effect: "If you don't go now, you may never have another chance as good as this." And that was that.

2 The mechanics, Bubier, Roth and Demas, went over the plane for the last time, testing everything with scrupulous care. A line of men passed five-gallon cans of gasoline to several men standing on the wing, who poured them into the wing tanks. Another line fed the stream of gear which flowed into the plane. Black weighed each thing before passing it on to McKinley and June, who were stowing the stuff in the cabin. Hanson went over the radio equipment. With de Ganahl, I made a careful check of the sextant and the watches and chronometers, which were among the last things put aboard. For days, de Ganahl and I had nursed the chronometers, checking them against the time tick broadcast every night from the United States. We knew their exact loss or gain.

3 The total weight was approximately 15,000 pounds.

4 Haines came up with a final report on the weather. "A twenty-mile wind from the south at 2,000 feet." I went into my office and picked up a flag weighted with a stone from Floyd Bennett's grave. It seemed fitting that something connected with the spirit of this noble friend, who stood with me over the North Pole, on May 9th, 1926, should rest as long as stone endures at the bottom of the world.

5 There were handshakes all around, and at 3:29 o'clock we were off. The skis were in the air after a run of 30 seconds–an excellent takeoff. A calm expectation took hold of my mind.

6 Had you been there to glance over the cabin of this modern machine which has so revolutionized polar travel, I think you would have been impressed most of all–perhaps first of all–with the profusion of gear in the cabin. There was a small sledge, rolled masses of sleeping bags, bulky food sacks, two pressure gasoline stoves, rows of cans of gasoline packed about the main tank forward, funnels for draining gasoline and oil from the engines, bundles of clothing, tents, and so on ad infinitum. There was scarcely room in which to move.

7 June had his radio in the after bulkhead on the port side. From time to time, he flashed reports on our progress to the base. From the ear phones strapped to his helmet ran long cords so that he might move freely about the cabin without being obliged to take them off. His duties were varied and important. He had to attend to the motion picture camera, the radio, and the complicated valves of the six gasoline tanks. Every now and then, he relieved Balchen at the wheel or helped him to follow the elusive trail.

8 McKinley had his mapping camera ready for action either on port or starboard side. It was for him and the camera he so sedulously served that the flight was made. The mapping of the corridor between Little America and the South Pole was one of the major objectives of the expedition.

9 Balchen was forward, bulking large in the narrow compartment, his massive hands on the wheel, now appraising the engines with a critical eye, now the dozen flickering fingers on the dials on the instrument board. Balchen was in his element. His calm, fine face bespoke his confidence and sureness. He was anticipating the struggle at the "Hump" almost with eagerness.

10 It was quite warm forward, behind the engines. But a cold wind swept through the cabin, making one thankful for heavy clothes. When the skies cleared, a golden light poured into the cabin. The sound of the engines and propellers filled it. One had to shout to make oneself heard. From the navigation table aft, where my charts were spread out, a trolley ran to the control cabin. Over it, I shouted to Balchen the necessary messages and courses; he would turn and smile his understanding.

11 That, briefly, is the picture, and a startling one it makes in contrast with that of Amundsen's party, which had pressed along this same course eighteen years before. A wing, pistons and flashing propellers had taken the place of runner, dogs, and legs. Amundsen was delighted to make 25 miles per day. We had to average 90 miles per hour to accomplish our mission. We had the advantages of swiftness and comfort, but we had as well an enlarged fallibility. A flaw in a piece of steel, a bit of dirt in the fuel lines or carburetor jets, a few hours of strong head winds, fog or storm– these things, remotely beyond our control, could destroy our carefully laid plans and nullify our most determined efforts.

12 Still, it was not these things that entered our minds. Rather, it was the thought of the "Hump," and how we should fare with it.

13 Soon after passing the crevasses, we picked up again the vast escarpment to the right. More clearly than before, we saw the white-blue streams of many glaciers discharging into the Barrier, and several of the higher snow-clad peaks glistened so brightly in the sun as to seem like volcanoes in eruption.

14 Now the Queen Maud Range loomed ahead. I searched again for the "appearance of land" to the east. Still the rolling Barrier–nothing else.

15 At 8:15, we had the Geological Party in sight–a cluster of beetles about two dark-topped tents. Balchen dropped overboard the photographs of the Queen Maud Range and the other things we had promised to bring. The parachute canopy to which they were attached fluttered open and fell in gentle oscillations, and we saw two or three figures rush out to catch it. We waved to them and then prepared for settlement of the issue at the "Hump."

16 Up to this time, the engines had operated continuously at cruising revolutions. Now Balchen opened them full throttle, and the Ford girded its loins for the long, fighting pull over the "Hump." We rose steadily. We were then about 60 miles north of the western portal of Axel Heiberg, and holding our course steadily on meridian 163° 45' W. with the sun compass.

17 I watched the altimeters, of which there were two in the navigation department. The fingers marched with little jumps across the face of the dial–3,000 feet; 3,500; 4,000; 4,500. The Ford had her toes in and was climbing with a vast, heaving effort.

18 Drawing nearer, we had edged 30° to the west of south, to bring not only Axel Heiberg but also Liv Glacier into view. This was a critical period. I was by no means certain which glacier I should choose for the ascent. I went forward and took a position behind the pilots.

19 The schemes and hopes of the next few minutes were beset by many uncertainties. Which would it be–Axel Heiberg or Liv Glacier?

20 There was this significant difference between flying and sledging: we could not pause long for decision or investigation. Minutes stood for gasoline, and gasoline was precious. The waste of so little as half an hour of fuel in a fruitless experiment might well overturn the mathematical balance on which the success of the flight depended. The execution of the plan hung on the proper choice of the route over the "Hump."

21 Yet how well, after all, could judgment forecast the ultimate result? There were few facts on which we might base a decision. We knew, for example, from Amundsen's report that the highest point of the pass of Axel Heiberg Glacier was 10,500 feet. We should know, in a very few minutes, after June had calculated the gasoline consumption, the weight of the plane. From that we could determine, according to the tables we had worked out and which were then before me, the approximate ceiling we should have. We should know, too, whether or not we should be able to complete the flight, other conditions being favorable.

22 These were the known elements. The unknown were burdened with equally important consequences. The structural nature of the head of the pass was of prime importance. We knew from Amundsen's descriptions and from what we could see with our own eyes, that the pass on both sides was surrounded by towering peaks, much higher than the maximum ceiling of the heavily loaded plane. But whether the pass was wide or narrow, whether it would allow us room to maneuver in case we could not rise above it, whether it would be narrow and running with a torrent of down-pressing wind which would dash a plane, already hovering near its service ceiling to the glacier floor–these were things, naturally, we could not possibly know until the issue was directly at hand.

23 I stood beside Balchen, carefully studying the looming fortress, still wondering by what means we should attempt to carry it. With a gesture of the hand, Balchen pointed to fog vapor rising from the black rock of the foothills which were Nansen's high priests, caused no doubt by the condensation of warm currents of air radiated from the sun-heated rocks. A thin layer of cloud seemed to cap Axel Heiberg's pass and extended almost to Liv Glacier. But of this we were not certain. Perhaps it was the surface of the snow. If it were a cloud, then our difficulties were already upon us. Even high clouds would be resting on the floor of the uplifted plateau.

24 There was then a gamble in the decision. Doubtless a flip of the coin would have served as well. In the end, we decided to choose Liv Glacier, the unknown pass to the right which Amundsen had seen far in the distance and named after Dr. Nansen's daughter. It seemed to be broader than Axel Heiberg, and the pass not quite so high.

25 A few minutes after 9 o'clock, we passed near the intermediate base which, of course, we could not see. Our altitude was then about 9,000 feet. At 9:15, we had the eastern portal on our left and were ready to tackle the "Hump." We had discussed the "Hump" so often, had anticipated and maligned it so much, that now that it was in front of us and waiting in the flesh–in rock-ribbed, glacierized reality–it was like meeting an old acquaintance. But we approached it warily and respectfully, climbing steadily all the while with maximum power, to get a better view of its none-too-friendly visage.

26 June, wholly unaffected by the immediate perplexities, went about his job of getting the plane fighting trim, less heavy. He ripped open the last of the fuel cans and poured the contents into the main tank. The empty tins he dropped overboard, through the trapdoor. Every tin weighed two pounds, and every pound dropped was to our gain. June examined the gauges of the five wing tanks, then measured with a graduated stick the amount of fuel in the main tank. He jotted the figures on a pad, made a few calculations, and handed me the results. Consumption had thus far averaged between 55 and 60 gallons per hour. It had taken us longer to reach the mountains than we had expected, owing to head winds. However, the extra fuel taken aboard just before we left had absorbed this loss, and we actually had a credit balance. We then had enough gasoline to take us to the Pole and back.

27 With that doubt disposed of, we went at the "Hump" confidently.

28 We were still rising, and the engines were pulling wonderfully well. The wind was about abeam and, according to my calculations, not materially affecting the speed.

29 The glacier floor rose sharply, in a series of ice falls and terraces, some of which were well above the (then) altitude of the plane. These glacial waterfalls, some of which were from 200 to 400 feet high, seemed more beautiful than any precipitous stream I have ever seen. Beautiful yes–but how rudely and with what finality they would deal with steel and duralumin that crashed into them at 100 miles per hour.

30 Now the stream of air pouring down the pass roughened perceptibly. The great wing shivered and teetered as it balanced itself against the changing pressures. The wind from the left flowed against Fisher's steep flanks, and the constant, hammering bumps made footing uncertain in the plane. But McKinley steadily trained his 50-pound camera on the mountains to the left. The uncertainties of load and ceiling were not his concern. His only concern was photographs–photographs over which students and geographers pore in the calm quiet of their studies.

31 The altimeters showed a height of 9,600 feet, but the figure was not necessarily exact. Nevertheless, there were indications we were near the service ceiling of the plane.

32 The roughness of the air increased and became so violent that we were forced to swing slightly to the left, in search of calmer air. This brought us over a frightfully crevassed slope which ran up and toward Mount Nansen. We thus escaped the turbulent swirl about Fisher, but the down-surging currents here damped our climb. To the left, we had the "blind" mountain glacier of Nansen in full view; and when we looked ahead we saw the plateau–a smooth, level plain of snow between Nansen and Fisher. The pass rose up to meet it.

33 In the center of the pass was a massive outcropping of snow-covered rocks, resembling an island, which protruded above and separated the descending stream of ice. Perhaps it was a peak or the highest eminence of a ridge connecting Fisher and Nansen which had managed through the ages to hold its head above the glacial torrent pouring down from the plateau. But its particular structure or relationship was of small import then. I watched it only with reference to the climb of the plane; and realized, with some disgust and more consternation, that the nose of the plane, in spite of the fact that Balchen had steepened the angle of attack, did not rise materially above the outcropping. We were still climbing, but at a rapidly diminishing rate of speed. In the rarefied air, the heavy plane responded to the controls with marked sluggishness. There is a vast difference between the plane of 1928 and the plane of 1937.

34 It was an awesome thing, creeping (so it seemed) through the narrow pass, with the black walls of Nansen and Fisher on either side, higher than the level of the wings, and watching the nose of the ship bob up and down across the face of that chunk of rock. It would move up, then slide down. Then move up, and fall off again. For perhaps a minute or two, we deferred the decision, but there was no escaping it. If we were to risk a passage through the pass, we needed greater maneuverability than we had at that moment. Once we entered the pass, there would be no retreat. It offered no room for turn. If power was lost momentarily or if the air became excessively rough, we could only go ahead or down. We had to climb, and there was only one way in which we could climb.

35 June, anticipating the command, already had his hand on the dump valve of the main tank. A pressure of the fingers–that was all that was necessary–and in two minutes, 600 gallons of gasoline would gush out. I signaled to wait.

36 Balchen held to the climb almost to the edge of a stall. But it was clear to both of us that he could not hold it long enough. Balchen began to yell and gesticulate, and it was hard to catch the words in the roar of the engines echoing from the cliffs on either side. But the meaning was manifest. "Overboard–overboard–200 pounds!"

37 Which would it be–gasoline or food?

38 If gasoline, I thought, we might as well stop there and turn back. We could never get back to the base from the Pole. If food, the lives of all of us would be jeopardized in the event of a forced landing. Was that fair to McKinley, Balchen, and June? It really took only a moment to reach the decision. The Pole, after all, was our objective. I knew the character of the three men. McKinley, in fact, had already hauled one of the food bags to the trapdoor. It weighed 125 pounds.

39 The brown bag was pushed out and fell, spinning, to the glacier. The improvement in the flying qualities of the plane was noticeable. It took another breath and resumed the climb.

40 Now the down-currents over Nansen became stronger. The plane trembled and rose and fell, as if struck bodily. We veered a trifle to the right, searching for helpful, rising eddies. Balchen was flying shrewdly. He maintained flight at a sufficient distance below the absolute ceiling of the plane to retain at all times enough maneuverability to make him master of the ship. But he was hard pressed by circumstances, and I realized that, unless the plane was further lightened, the final thrust might bring us perilously close to the end of our reserve.

41 "More," Bernt shouted. "Another bag."

42 McKinley shoved a second bag through the trapdoor, and this time we saw it hit the glacier, and scatter in a soundless explosion. Two hundred and fifty pounds of food–enough to feed four men for a month–lay strewn on the barren ice.

43 The sacrifice swung the scales. The plane literally rose with a jump, the engines dug in, and we soon showed a gain in altitude of anywhere from 300 to 400 feet. It was what we wanted. We should clear the pass with about 500 feet to spare. Balchen gave a shout of joy. It was just as well. We could dump no more food. There was nothing left to dump except McKinley's camera. I am sure that, had he been asked to put it overboard, he would have done so instantly; and I am equally sure he would have followed the precious instrument with his own body.

44 The next few minutes dragged. We moved at a speed of 77 nautical miles per hour through the pass, with the black walls of Nansen on our left. The wing gradually lifted above them. The floor of the plateau stretched in a white immensity to the south. We were over the dreaded "Hump" at last. The Pole lay dead ahead over the horizon, less than 300 miles away. It was then about 9:45 o'clock (I did not note the exact time. There were other things to think about).

45 Gaining the plateau, we studied the situation a moment and then shifted course to the southward. Nansen's enormous towering ridge, lipped by the plateau, shoved its heavily broken sides into the sky. A whole chain of mountains began to parade across the eastern horizon. How high they are I cannot say, but surely some of them must be around 14,000 feet, to stand so boldly above the rim of the 10,000 foot plateau. Peak on peak, ridge on ridge, draped in snow garments which brilliantly reflected the sun, they extended in a solid array to the southeast. But can one really say they ran in that direction? The lines of direction are so bent in this region that 150 miles farther on, even were they to continue in the same general straight line, they must run north of east. This is what happens near the Pole.

46 We laid our line of flight on the 171st meridian.

47 Our altitude was then between 10,500 and 11,000 feet. We were "riding" the engines, conscious of the fact that if one should fail we must come down. Once the starboard engine did sputter a bit, and Balchen nosed down while June rushed to the fuel valves. But it was nothing; to conserve fuel, Balchen had "leaned" the mixture too much. A quick adjustment corrected the fault; and, in a moment, the engine took up its steady rhythm. Moments like this one make a pioneering flight anything but dull; one moment everything is lovely, and the next is full of foreboding.

48 From time to time, June "spelled" Balchen at the controls, and Balchen would walk back to the cabin, flexing his cramped muscles. There was little thought of food for any of us–a beef sandwich, stiff as a board from frost, and tea and coffee from a thermos bottle. It was difficult to believe that two decades or so before the most resolute men who had ever attempted to carry a remote objective, Scott and Shackleton, had plodded over this same plateau, a few miles each day, with hunger, fierce, unrelenting hunger, stalking them every step of the way.

49 Between 11:30 and 12:30, the mountains to the eastward began to disappear, dropping imperceptibly out of view, one after another. Not long after 12:30, the whole range had retreated from vision, and the plateau met the horizon in an indefinite line. The mountains to the right had long since disappeared.

50 The air finally turned smooth. At 12:38, I shot the sun. It hung, a ball of fire, just beyond south to the east, 21° above the horizon. So it was quite low, and we stared it in the eye. The sight gave me an approximate line of latitude, which placed us very near our position as calculated by dead reckoning. That dead reckoning and astronomy should check so closely was very encouraging. The position line placed us at Lat. 89° 4 ½' S., or 55 ½ miles from the Pole. A short time later, we reached an altitude of 11,000 feet. According to Amundsen's records, the plateau, which had risen to 10,300 feet, descended here to 9,600 feet. We were, therefore, about 1,400 feet above the plateau.

51 So the Pole was actually in sight. But I could not yet spare it so much as a glance. Chronometers, drift indicators, and compasses are hard taskmasters.

52 Relieved by June, Balchen came aft and reported that visibility was not as good as it had been. Clouds were gathering on the horizon off the port bow, and a storm, Balchen thought, was in the air. A storm was the last thing we wanted to meet on the plateau on the way back. It would be difficult enough to pass the Queen Maud Range in bright sunlight; in thick weather, it would be suicidal. Conditions, however, were merely unpromising: not really bad, simply not good. If worse came to worst, we decided we could out-race the clouds to the mountains.

53 At six minutes after one, a sight of the sun put us a few miles ahead of our dead reckoning position. We were quite close now. At 1:14 Greenwich mean time, our calculations showed that we were at the Pole.

54 I opened the trapdoor and dropped over the calculated position of the Pole the small flag which was weighted with the stone from Bennett's grave. Stone and flag plunged down together. The flag had been advanced 1,500 miles farther south than it had ever been advanced by any American or American expedition.

55 For a few seconds, we stood over the spot where Amundsen had stood, December 14th, 1911, and where Scott had also stood, thirty-four days later, reading the note which Amundsen had left for him. In their honor, the flags of their countries were again carried over the Pole. There was nothing now to mark that scene: only a white desolation and solitude disturbed by the sound of our engines. The Pole lay in the center of a limitless plain. To the right, which is to say to the eastward, the horizon was covered with clouds. If mountains lay there, as some geologists believe, they were concealed, and we had no hint of them.

56 And that, in brief, is all there is to tell about the South Pole. One gets there, and that is about all there is for the telling. It is the effort to get there that counts.

* * * *
Sunday, Dec. 1

57 . . . Well, it's done. We have seen the Pole. McKinley, Balchen, and June have delivered the goods. They took the Pole in their stride, neatly, expeditiously, and undismayedly. If I had searched the world, I doubt if I could have found a better team. Theirs was the actual doing. But there is not a man in this camp who did not assist in the preparation for the flight. Whatever merit accrues to the accomplishment must be shared with them.

24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator… 1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"
11. Meow occasionally.
12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.

People Really Said These Things In Court Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis – does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son – the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

The Blonde & The Coke Machine It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a coke. She went to the coke machine and when she put her money in, a coke came out – so she kept putting money in.
And since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her. Finally, a guy on line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!"
And the blonde said, "No way. I'm still winning!"

Poor Old Man This old man goes to the doctor's.
"Help, Doc. I just got married to this 21 year old woman. She is hot and all she wants to do is have sex all day long."
"So what's the problem?"
"I can't remember where I live."

Blonde in a Car A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, ''I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?''
''Why sure,'' said the manager, ''we have something that works especially well for that.''
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice. ''No, no! A little to the left,'' said the other blonde inside the car.

Daughter's Prayer A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said.
Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"

Your Family Is So Poor Your family is so poor, when I went to your house I stepped on a cigarette and your Daddy shouted, “Hey, who turned off the heater!”

Tooth Pulling A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.
The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

Grass Eater A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.
"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, please come to my house!"
"But sir, I have a wife and four children…"
"Bring them along!" the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."
The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

You''re So Ugly You''re so ugly, when yo'' mama dropped you off at school, she got a ticket for littering!

Pinocchio and Splinters One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.
"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"
"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.
"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your
"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"

Clinton, Bush, and Washington… Bill Clinton, George Bush and George Washington were on the Titanic.
As the boat was sinking, George Washington heroically shouts, ''Save the women!''
George Bush hysterically screeches, ''Screw the women!''
And Bill Clinton's eyes light up and he says, ''Do we have time?''

Not Going To Try This Again A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse''s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse''s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse''s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

Mini Meanie The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition.
"Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry,
I'll help you win."
"Done," shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun was very pleased with conniving ways, and chuckled merrily.
When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey," said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?"
"Father Murphy," grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of Shit."

The Deacon and the Preacher There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been friends for a long time. One day the deacon got sick and was put in the hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend.
When he walked into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and medical equipment attached to the deacon. The preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and asked, ''How ya doing?''
The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand. ''You want that?'' the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes. So the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write. All of a sudden the deacon died.
At his funeral, the preacher was asked to deliver the service. ''He was a good man and I'll never forget him,'' the preacher said, ''I was with him when he died and as a matter of fact I have his last thought in my coat pocket here.''
The preacher reaches into his pocket and pulls out the paper. ''Please, get up! You're kneeling on my oxygen hose!''

Too Smart A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong……

A priest, Jesus, and an old man tee off.

The priest drives the green within 5 yards of the hole.

Jesus slices the ball and it goes into the water hazard. He quickly runs across the water and hits his second onto the green 2 inches from the hole.

The old man tees off with a short worm burner that trickles into the hazard. Soon after a fish eats the ball and swims across the pond with it in its mouth. Just then an eagle swoops down and snatches the fish with the golf ball and flies off. The eagle loses its grip and drops the fish on the green. The fish then spits out the ball and it rolls into the hole for a hole in one.

Jesus turns to the old man and replies, "Play fair dad!"

Yesterday I was at the local Wal-Mart. Now I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there he was – a damn Motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket …

So, I went to him and said: "Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!

This went on for about 25 minutes … the more I abused and hurled insults at him, the more tickets he wrote …
But hey, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner …

A blonde girl comes rushing home to her mum and says: "Mummy mummy! Today at school everyone could only count to 3 but I can count to 5. Look – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Does that mean I am special mummy?"

"Yes dear it does."

The next day the blonde girl comes running in again and says: "Mummy mummy! Today at school everyone could only say the alphabet from A to C but I can go until E. Look – A, B, C, D, E. Does that mean I am special mummy?"

"Yes dear it does."

The next day the blonde girl comes rushing home and says "Mummy mummy! Today at school we were getting changed for physical excercises and all the other girls had really flat chests but I had these …!" She opens her blouse and reveals a humungous pair of DD breasts. "Is it because I am special mummy?"

"No dear it's because you are 25."

A blonde desperately needed some money, so she decided to kidnap someone. So she went to the park and she grabbed this kid.

Then she wrote a note saying, "If you ever want to see your child again, leave 10,000 dollars in a paper bag in the northwest corner of the park." then she signed it 'THE BLONDE' and told the kid to give it to his mom.

The next day she went to the northwest corner of the park and got the paper bag. It had the money in it and a note from the mother that said, "How could you do this to another blonde?"

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks." and the other one said: "No they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that…….

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

~~~~

Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

A Blonde's Year in Review
January: Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February: Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…Helllloooo!!!… bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March: Got really excited – finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months… Box said "2-4 years!"
April: Trapped on escalator for hours… power went out!!!
May: Tried to make Kool-Aid… wrong instructions… 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June: Tried to go water skiing… couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July: Lost breast stroke swimming competition… Learned later the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!
August: Got locked out of my car in rain storm… Car swamped because soft-top was o pen.
September: The capital of California is "C"… isn't it?
October: I hate M &M's… They are so hard to peel.
November: Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days… Instructions said one hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December: Couldn't call 911… "duh" … there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!
Star if u like them!!!!

me: hey wats up?
him: nothing
me: i am bored
how about you?
him: me too
me: How RUDE! are you saying i am a boring person?
7:35 PM no: no
me: i know, i was just kidding,
i am FREEZING!
him: wy so cold
7:36 PM me: i don't know, i have a blanket on and i am in the warmest room…probably cuz my hair is wet
him: i tired
really tired
me: me too, and i even slept for 3 hours today
7:37 PM him: I had to go to a swim meet and i got home 8 hrs ago and am tired
me: wow
him: u get the picture
me: yeah…how did you do?
7:38 PM him: good got 2-3 state times
me: ?
him: and swam 5 things
me: what is a state thingy?
7:39 PM him: State times are certain fast times that u need to get to go to the state swim meet to race with teams all around the state
me: cool
him: really fast times
me: sounds like fun! very impressive
him: like 59.99 for a 100 free
me: holy crap! that is fast
him: i am 1 sec off from getting that
time
me: wow
7:40 PM him: and 27 sec for a 50 free
me: do you like being on the swim team?
him: ya, sometimes
when the coach kills us no
him: any other day yes
me: cool
him: the meets are the funnest
7:41 PM me: i bet….
him: i tell u when the next one is
me: ok
did your bro tell you i called last night?
him: no
wy
7:42 PM ?
?
me: well, i did, because the lift took like 20 minutes to get to the top. him: what lift
me: skiing
him: oh
wat resort
7:43 PM me: i am so excited! for the next 4 weeks i get to ski and the next 4 after that i get to snow board
it was brighton
him: oh snow basin is better
me: yeah…i have never been to brighton before
their lifts were SLOW!!!
him: ya
7:44 PM i been there 3 times
me: cool….we usually go to poweder mountain or snow basin
powder mountain has like a super fast lift
him: ski or snowboard
7:45 PM me: ski…my parents wont let me snowboard until i can parrellel ski…it sucks
but i get to snowboard in 4 weeks
him: really sucks
me: which is good, because before i would have had to be like 15
him: snow boarding is a lot funner than skiing
me: yeah…it looks like it! i am way excited!
7:46 PM him: u know about my bros knee
right
me: anyway, so yesterday, we went off a black diamond and this snowboarder went off a jump and hit me, knocked me flat and almost all the air out of me, and then hit my bro and knocked the air out of him
and yes, i know
7:47 PM him: black dimonds are fun well my bro has to get surgery
on his knee
me: oh really! that sucks! i hate surgery…do you know when?
7:48 PM him: he cracked his femur and chipped his knee cap with the muscle still attatched so they have to put a skrew in his knee to fix it
no i dont know when
me: ouch… that sucks
7:49 PM him: really sucks
me: yeah…
what are u up to?
him: sitting here talking to u
what else
and in a sec listening to my i pod
7:50 PM me: cool
my aunts and uncles are over
i'm kinda bored
7:51 PM him: i wish my uncles were at house i would kick their butt in Call of Duty 4
me: they are just planning wat to do (parties and stuff) for 2009
fun! my uncles are…lets see…the youngest is i think 35 or 40
him: our family dosnt plan they just call up and say were having a party a week in advance
me: i wish my bro was here…then i could whip his butt in warcraft
7:52 PM him: one sec got to get ipod
me: i don't know EXACTLY wat they're doin… they just called it planning meeting
ok
him: i am back
7:53 PM me: ok cool
him: got to go some where with parents see ya
talk to u l8tr
7:54 PM me: ok see u later

I was just married last week and had a lot of fun dancing at my reception, and took the week off to relax and de stress. I called my Dr.'s nurse today to see if I could ride a jet ski this weekend and she left me a voice mail saying no, b/c the hard bouncing could tear the placenta. I am concerned b/c at the reception I jumped during a couple of songs. Is it possible to tear your placenta just from hopping while dancing? I am 3 and a half months along.

I have had no cramps or bleeding or anything like that, I feel perfectly healthy. I was not jumping hard or anything, and it was not contunious it was just for like a minute, a few times during that night.
Thank you everyone I am just over paranoid, I am planning on telling my Dr. at my appt on tuesday but I don't want to worry the whole time, but I'm a worry wart and your answers make me feel so much better

- You answer the door before people knock.
- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
- You ski uphill.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
- You can type sixty words per minute … with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- Cocaine is a downer.
- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
- You don't sweat, you percolate.
- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervou
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
- You don't tan, you roast.
- You can't even remember your second cup.
- You help your dog chase its tail.

Last night I went on a ski trip with the ski club for my high school. I'm a freshman & I've never been to the place before, so I didn't know what to expect. Plus, I have a severe case of A.D.D. Trust me, it's pretty bad!
So, when we were checking into the place, me & one other girl got held up for about 15 minutes because the employees thought we may need a signature from our group leader because they thought we were underage to just go in by ourselves, but little did they know, we were okay to go. So, that was pretty dumb. So as all the other kids were getting their gear on & renting their stuff, we were still waitng there. I started getting nervous. Then, I went out to go rent my boots & snowboard, as the girl & her older sister rnted their skis & ski boots. Their rent place was right inside. I had to go out & I couldn't find the rent place. It was right there. I dont really "open my eyes" that well. When I finally found it, it took a while to get my stuff on, & I missed some of the
lesson. I started crying hysterically & began having a panic attack. I knew right from there I was screwed. I tried to fix things up. When I got my stuff all on, I went to go find a locker for my luggage. I went to the nearest lockers & I didnt see any keys in them & I knew I already missed like the whole lesson so I started panting & freaking out. So, I asked where I could find more lockers. I was told they were in the basement. I couldnt find it. It was near me. What a surprize! When I got to a locker I put my stuff in. I forgot to put my purse in so I put my key in and I couldnt get it out. It was jammed. As if things werent bad enuff! I got an employee to get it out for me. I was still freaking out. I was having a panic attack. By the the lessons were long over. I got my gear on & I was so ashamed of myself. I felt so alone. There was no one there. I was literally all by myself. I could seriously not help but cry. I was scared & ashamed. I called my parents. They asked if I wanted
They knew I was breaking down. So, even after all that trouble I said okay. I didn't wanna show my face becuz everyone would have been like "where were you??!!" I was just too mad at myself to stay. Is this typical? Is this shocking? I mean for a 15 year old with a severe case of ADD? Whats your view on this?

he is a really big whore,and ive made out with him several times already, so i dont know if he actually likes me or not… we were together all of last weekend to go skiing with a high school group and we only made out once for like 5 minutes even though there was little supervision and he fell asleep holding me and he always says i love you to me and is really nice and helps me with random stuff so right now we are basically friends with benefits so i either want to end it now or turn it into a real relationship…. but i dont wanna get hurt. which one is better??